Disorganized rambling.

It’s been too long since I’ve sat in front of a computer screen and put something down. It’s unfortunate and painful to admit, but I didn’t do nearly as well with NaNoWriMo as I wanted to. I didn’t even come close. For all the benefits of living in the moment the biggest drawback has to be not knowing what I’m doing from one day to the next and, therefore, being unable to schedule things like writing time. All I can hope for is that I progress further next year than I did this one. Of course, and I keep telling myself this, it doesn’t have to be November for me to ink words to paper. I’m thinking of trying another month. January, maybe. When it’s too cold to be distracted by the woods and all the camping that I’m not doing.

As I go into the new year, I hold out hope that I can ignoring the haunting regrets of the last twelve months and start new. It’s be easier if I didn’t need a hard date to start something and could take the sunrises for the resets that they should be, but it isn’t nearly that easy.

Getting older comes with its own challenges. I feel like I’ve been left behind in this rat race of life some days. That something I need is missing. This isn’t the life I’d always imagined that I’d have. The big plan was always to go away for college and when that fell through it was to go away after college. Yet here I am in this no horse, two gas station town. I’ve nearly accepted that the tri-state is going to be my home for year. Nearly. But, if I’m going to be stuck here I wish there was at least some kind of silver lining. The optimistic side of me swears that I just haven’t found it yet, but it seems that I’d have stumbled on it in the last eighteen years.

I felt the pull of writing calling to me all evening, but now that I’m here I can’t seem to write anything other than snippets of rambles and a collection of unconnected thoughts and feelings. Maybe that’ll be good enough. If I clear out the disaster of my thoughts maybe soon I’ll be able to write something worth reading.

Next month I start training for the crisis line. I’m excited to start something new. It’ll also help me pin down some sort of schedule as I’ll be working two jobs instead of one. I need to clean. That seems random, but I think that part of my disorganized thoughts has to do with my disorganized space. Over the course of the next few months I’m going to get my life and my house back in order. Maybe that’ll be enough.

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