I finally know why they say that silence is deafening. It has nothing to do with the lack of sound or even in the screaming in your head.
Your silence is deafening. The unspoken screams of things you let go unsaid until it was well past time to say them. It’s hard to listen to music with lyrics and not find a way to make them my own. It’s next to impossible to keep my thoughts from wandering back to each syllable that I wanted to say, but won’t.
I keep writing them all down. Over and over; just letting the ink spill out on the page in an inconsistent flow of nonsense. For approximately forty seconds I can breathe again, but reality crashes in. It does no good to share the words with an empty page.
I tried talking it out. Despite the fact that it felt pretty good to ramble it all out without judgement; it didn’t remove the feeling.
I haven’t been giving my writing the attention that it deserves. I can’t even give this post my full attention. It feels like I’ve been trying to force words on this computer screen all day, but it’s actually been two and a half hours.
There’s a logical part of me that knows I won’t feel like this forever. The scientific composition of even my abnormal brain will eventually swing another way and the feelings will change. The logical part of me also knows that eventually even though both sides of me will use what I feel to hurt me; I won’t hurt about this forever. Eventually, it will fade into a dull ache that crosses my mind from time to time.
It’s not easy to become someone’s stranger, but that’s the path I’ve chosen for myself. As the ships keep passing on the ocean, I know the sun is going down and that ships which pass in the night are usually out of sight before the sun rise.In the warm glow of the sunrise, healing will begin.
Five years from now I won’t understand why I felt this way. Ten years from now I won’t remember where I was sitting when I penned these words. Twenty years from now it won’t matter because I’ll likely be dead.
Another day. One more sunrise might make all the difference.