Stop that, you moron.

The sun has set down well below the horizon and left the trees shrouded in a sinister black cloud. It’s coming, it’s almost here. Can you feel it? Of course I can. The dark pull of a declining tide reaches out for me and I reach back. Will you make me numb? Will you take away my pain? Would you feel nothing if it meant not feeling this? The price to pay for your own safety is the loss of everything. I used to have a shoe box full of silly letters, those from a time when I was caught between running and staying. I burnt everything in that box, set fire to the past and all it’s memories. I don’t need the words on paper or a photograph to remember how it felt in a time when I thought the world was right and I couldn’t have been more wrong. I stood on the back on the river, I’m trying to remember when but time doesn’t really matter, and I watched a barge pass. I felt nothing as I watched that spotlight come closer and when it swept over me I felt everything. You’ve never met a sweetheart this cruel, I promise. This, tonight, is the past trying so hard to catch up. This is my chance to remember everything I ever said and what it meant. This is where I realize that I already know what I do not care to admit. There are little things that still get to me. I thought the time for that had passed. I wish and dread for the turning of the weather, the urge to wander dawn soaked streets is extreme in a way that it hasn’t been in a while. I want to wander to the lake and I want to think and I want to forget. I’ve had a hundred realizations out there. Some in the darkest hours before the sun woke, some in the blazing noon, some tripping drunk, some stone cold sober, ninety-five degrees and  twenty degrees. Some of them made perfect sense, some of them none, some of them were great idea, the others…not so much. That’s where it all happens for me and I yearn for it now. I long for that kind of clarity again. That’s where I run to. It’s where I realized that some people never change, some mistakes can’t be forgiven, some things will break beyond repair, the sun will always come up, and insomnia isn’t so bad. Sometimes watching the rebirth of the sun makes me sick. I live for the night and it’s shadows. They’re easy to hide in. The question now though is what am I hiding? What do I have to hide from? Memories. Lessons learned. What the hell is wrong with me?

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