The long trip home is always worth the walk.

I walk through campus today with a different kind of spirit than I expected to have when I started out this Tuesday in September. It might be a renewed spirit or maybe I’ve just figured out what it is that is really important to me. I know where I truly belong now. There was a time that would have scared me completely to death, but not anymore. I’ve spent all my life running from the feelings that I can’t control and the things that threatened that mental security I thought that I needed so badly. Today, I find that I don’t need to run. The most important things in life aren’t meant to be controlled or constructed, they simply are because that’s how they are supposed to be. I’ve been looking for home since before I ever figured out what it was. I was so concerned with getting out and finding that place that everyone always talked about. It’s not a place though, really. When it comes down to it, home is where you belong. It’s complete safety from all the wrongs and twists of life that threaten to throw you to the wolves. It’s perfect contentment. It’s knowing without question. Home isn’t a place for me at all. It’s her. It’s the way her eyes light up when she looks at me and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I’d give anything to stay right there in that moment for the rest of my life. It’s that smile when she’s happy, that giggle. It’s just her. The whispering of the wind across the trees on a night when it might storm and the world looks like it’s about to turn upside down. That wind is a calming reassurance that at least something can’t be phased by the downpour. She’s my life and my only. My firefly when the night is so dark I don’t think that I’ll ever be able to find my way out of the trees again. When she walks into a room the whole scene changes and everything else fades to the way that she shines. My heart belongs to her, not because I chose to give it to her, but because it was made that way from the beginning. It was never mine to give away, but hers to find and keep. I’m living without her for the next three months and while that saddens me to an end that I cannot describe, I can’t help right now but to focus on the things I know that she’d be wanting me to think about. The little moments, little gestures, simple constructions of fate that scar the memory with a smile that can never be erased. I keep closing my eyes as I type this and I remember all the things that made me smile before and I can’t seem to wipe this little grin off my face. I miss her like the desert misses the rain, I miss her like a piece of my soul is missing, but I know she’ll be back. Until then, I’ll remember. I’ll wait and I’ll smile. Some times I might have that thousand yard stare in my eyes, you might catch a tear fall from my cheek, but just give it a minute and she’ll whisper to me. A moment will come back and I’ll remember how right the world is just because she’s in it and I’ll remember to smile because soon I’ll have her in my arms again. Soon, I’ll get to go back home. That place that I’ve spent the last twenty years looking for and never knew it had the possibility to find me. The world will click back in place and the stars will regain their true meaning. Until then, I’ll remember and I’ll wait.


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